Dumb Orlando

I feel the need...

2009-01-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

Back in November one of Altamonte's finest was involved in a crash that seriously injured two young folks. Apparently Officer Maupin was going 104 mph when he lost control of his police cruiser around a curve and crashed into a civic that was stopped at a light. The passenger in the civic is now in a coma. Oh and the crash was near Bear Lake Road where the speed limit is 45. Why was Maupin going so fast? Nobody knows. And his driving has gotten him into trouble before. In 1992 he was "disciplined" for driving 82 mph with his lights off at night on 436 because he was playing a joke on officer operating the radar. But poor Maupin was also injured in this recent incident and he hasn't returned to work. The Altamonte police department has not disciplined him or even conducted an internal investigation. My favorite part:

Police are waiting for the outcome of the FHP investigation to determine who, if anyone, was at fault.

I hope the FHP can get to the bottom of this one! Also, who's running HR at the Altamonte Springs Police Department? First there was the dude growing marijuana and giving guns to informants and now they've got their own Bullitt. GG ASPD!

Should five per cent appear too small...

2009-01-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

The brain trust at the Orlando Sentinel is all fired up that the state Legislature won't raise the cigarette tax. The Sentinel thinks it would be a great move because by raising the cigarette tax the state would bring in a ton of revenue because there are so many smokers. They say another benefit would be that teens wouldn't smoke because if a pack was a dollar more they couldn't afford the habit. And longtime smokers would quit over the higher price. Wait, something isn't adding up. I don't think those Sentinel smarties thought through their argument. How would the tax raise more money if it kept new smokers from taking up the habit and cause old smokers to quit? There would be nobody to pay it! So what's the real reason? Is a nonprogressive tax the best way to raise money? Many smokers are lower income folks who are addicted. Is it fair to tax them more and more? And keeping us healthy? Is that the government's job? How about alcohol taxes? Fast food taxes? Maybe the Sentinel just heard about the possibility of a bailout for newspapers and wants to make sure there will be enough money for them to take.

John Stemberger: Piece of Shit

2008-11-26T18:38:00.000-08:00

A state judge found Florida's law against gay adoption to be unconstitutional and local jackass lawyer (a bit redundant, no?) John Stemberger, the man behind Amendment 2, is not happy about it.

"Everywhere in the law where children are affected, the standard must always be what is in the best interest of the child," said Stemberger, an attorney in Orlando. "What is stunning to me is that when it comes to dealing with gays, that standard goes out the window. Children do better with a mother and a father."

I say, if a narrow-minded jackass like Stemberger is allowed to have a hate-filled brood, why can't a couple of fags see how much they can fuck up some kids? I know, I know, Stemberger is just a Christian who believes homosexuality is a sin and blah, blah, blah. That doesn't make him bad. How about back in 99 when he was defending an Irish fella against Dollar Rent-a-Car? Don't remember that one? Well Stemberger said Dollar shouldn't sue an Irish guy for causing a drunk driving accident because they "knew or should have known about the unique cultural and ethnic customs existing in Ireland which involve the regular consumption of alcohol at `Pubs' as a major component to Irish social life." Brilliant! In 2006 he supported Tom Gallagher over Charlie Crist saying Crist lacked the "principles" to lead Florida. The principles being his lack of hatred towards gays and abortion. His crusade against gay marriage got lots of money from fellow fag-drag enthusiast Rich Devos, who got rid of the WNBA Orlando Miracle because too many dykes were at the games. Oh, and he's against evolution being taught in schools. But a hell of a lawyer. Or in other words, piece of shit.

Just a Spoonful of Chloroform...

2008-11-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

This just in from Local 6: Casey Anthony once put down "nanny" on her resume. It's news because she's been charged with murdering her daughter. She probably wouldn't make such a great nanny. Get it? larf larf larf

Mark Foley is still a douche!

2008-11-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

Remember former Florida Repugnant Congressman Mark Foley? He was the one who stepped down when his lewd text messages to male teenage Capitol Hill pages became public in 2006. No criminal charges were ever filed against him and in all honesty, these dudes were seventeen and I really don't give a shit. What makes it terrible for Foley is that he was a big proponent for stronger punishments against sex offenders, many of whom are grown men who also engaged in nothing more than raunchy conversations with teenagers over the internet and text messages. Foley defends himself in a recent interview:

"The work I was doing was involving young children ... You know, you hear the term 'pedophile.' That is prepubescent," Foley said, noting a "huge difference" from lurid chats with teens on the brink of adulthood.

Tell that to the guys who are routinely imprisoned every time Polk County pulls "To Catch a Predator" type of stunts because their police are too afraid to take down the meth labs and violent teenage girls that run rampant in that shithole. Anyway, Foley goes on to apologize to his constituents then blames his problems on a priest who molested him when he was twelve. Now, I certainly believe that could fuck him up, but why should he escape any sort of prosecution in a state that loves labeling people sex offenders and ruining their lives forever? Oh, and how do you think that queen voted on amendment 2?

Orange County's New Sheriff - Captain Obvious!

2008-11-09T01:56:00.000-08:00

According to WESH, our new sheriff here in Orange County, Jerry Demings, has announced his three-pronged attack on crime. What makes up this trident of safety? Let's take a look!

Prong 1 - Reduce crime, particularly violent crime
2nd Prong - Attack illegal guns
Prong the 3rd - Positive alternatives to gang activity

Well I think the ingenuity of the first one speaks for itself. On the second one I think he meant to tackle the problem of illegal guns rather than attacking the guns. It's okay though, we didn't elect him Town Grammarian. As for the third, good luck coming up with something more exciting than drugs and violence! Maybe a Wii-filled community center?

Success! Anyway, Demings' brilliant plan makes me happy we didn't elect John Tegg whose plan, if I remember correctly, was to form gangs of children, hand them guns, and make them violently rape tourists on International Drive. Wait a mintue, that's not so bad. And Demings' three-pronged attack? Sounds like Satan's trident to me!
Hell, whether he's Satan or Poseidon, he's got his work cut out for him. 105 murders and counting! Can we beat our record 114 from 2006? Yes we can.

America Loves Black People! Gays, not so much

2008-11-05T11:28:00.001-08:00

Well my fellow Americans never stop amazing me. Marriage is safe for us straight folks once again! In California, a measure to give chickens bigger cages passed, but when it comes to gays getting married, no thanks! Apparently 70% of the black voters here in Florida have no problem taking rights away from a minority group. Well played. Hell 47% of Democrats voted yes on Amendment 2. But hey, your guy supports civil unions for gays. Separate but equal...that's cool, right? Hope and change, my ass. It's just business as usual, sheeple. Twatever, I ain't queer. No skin off my nads.

Media Whores

2008-10-25T04:47:00.000-07:00

A while back I warned you about putting your dick in, or in the case of ladies and gentlemen's gentlemen getting a dick put in you by, Local 6 employees. Under their "Links We Like" section there was a link to recognizing the different types of herpes. Well WESH has taken it up a notch with this:
If you're curious, the signs include a variety of warts, burning, discharges, itching, and just downright uncomfortableness. I'm glad the ladies at WESH know why their pussies look like a relief map and are dispensing cod milkshakes and I'm glad I know to stay away from them. Sorry Erykah Washington.

Dear Orlando Area Obama Supporters

2008-10-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sick and tired of you. It's great that you're all jazzed up for an election but it seems like you post a myspace message every minute (and some of you do!) about how evil McSame or McShame is and how great your savior Obama is but it's probably not going to do much to really sway people. For one thing, most of your myspace friends already support your guy. And I know many of you would like one "good" reason why someone would vote for McCain. What you have to realize is, not everyone shares your views or lifestyle and there are rich people who would like a tax cut, there are gun owners who feel their right to bear arms threatened, there are people who believe in the war in Iraq, and (gasp!) some people are racist and don't want to vote for a black man. I know that to you these are not good reasons and guess what? That's why you're not voting for McCain. Those McCain supporters don't think your reasons for voting for Obama are "good" either. That's life, kids. Not everyone agrees with you. Hell, I'm not voting for either and can give you plenty of reasons why and where I greatly differ from the both of them. The thing is, Obama is not God and McCain is not the Devil. They're both fully capable of being president. Men much worse than either of them have done just fine at it. Hopefully you all will calm down in four years and maybe you will realize that there are many people out there who truly want to bring change and they are not a part of either of the two big parties. One more thing: If your guy loses, and I don't think he will, but if he does, please don't start posting bulletins every five mintues about how horrible America is and how you're going to move. It isn't and you're not. Oh, and stay tuned for my future party - Compassionate Fascism! Vote me in 2024!

The Bailout

2008-10-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

Apparently the Orlando Sentinel believes that the bailout failed because too many of the politicians were too concerned about getting reelected because in their eyes, it's the only thing that can save the economy. Of course, they never bother trying to explain how the bailout will save the economy. My guess is the one guy left working the financial news at that most shitty of papers doesn't have the time to get into that. Side rant: I grew up in Englewood, Florida. We had a population of about 35,000 AND we had two newspapers. Both of which were regularly bigger than the Sentinel during the week. Keep in mind, the Sentinel is for a metropolitan area of over 2 million. Amazing! Anywho, so the Sentinel is crying and states "They let down their constituents and their country." Well, their constituents overwhelmingly disapproved of the bailout so for once the politicians were listening. Bravo! Sure, if the bailout somehow guaranteed that banks would start lending money (it doesn't) maybe it would pass. But wake up, sheeple! All this thing will do is cause a rally on wall street which won't do a damn thing for most folks and will just make everything appear better for a little while. People fucked up and were greedy with money that doesn't exist. If we are going to put $700 billion in to anything it should go towards establishing industry like we once had. Hell, we pretty much gave Ford, GM, and Chrysler $25 billion today. Unfortunately we didn't tell them that they could only get the money if they built their cars in this country. Pumping money into factories in South America isn't going to help the U.S. much. But back to the bailout, the Sentinel sees a light at the end of the tunnel. They think the Democrass and Repugnants (sorry, I used to read a lot of libertarian websites) can find some common ground since both McCain and Obama believe the FDIC should insure up to $250,000. From what I can tell, that will just scare people even more. What those rich bastards don't realize is that most people do not have over $100,000 in their accounts. What made them take their money out of Wamu was all the news stories about how the bank was going under so every bumpkin thinks "Aw hell! The guvmint can't afford to pay $100,000 to the bajillion account holders. That's like a zillion dollars!" So the dumbasses cause a run on the bank. Now if they hear that the FDIC will back $250,000 they will know that that's even zillions more and they'll panic sooner. Twatever. Until we go back to being a producing nation and not an over-consuming one, we will be fucked. Just suck it up. We had a good run. Oh, and if you're gonna invest in anything go with wheelbarrows. They'll be our wallets soon.

Fish Fucker!

2008-09-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

I somehow came across this gem on megafriends.com:

Single Male in search of solemate

Here's what he's looking for: Is a relationship minded woman looking for her best friend and sole mate all in one. she is not fat, a few extra pounds is fine, romantic, caring, believes in God and is not into head games.

Personally I think bigger is better but to each his own.

Before You Have Sex with Local 6 Employees...

2008-09-16T03:56:00.000-07:00

Craigslist Fail

2008-09-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

From Craigslist:

LOOKING FOR A GHOST RIDER

Hi,

I am looking for a ghost rider to help me with my book about credit. Looking for experienced writers. Please have some sample work available to show. Looking to publish around 150-200 pages. Looking for reasonable rates.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $200-600

So who do you think will take the job, Johnny Blaze or Daniel Ketch?

Pirates!

2008-09-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

Fox 35 has a story about a fella who was shot in the ass and was able to easily identify his assailant who happened to be an eighteen year old with a peg leg. Remember kids, if you have some sort of distinguishing feature like, oh I don't know, let's say a peg leg, SHOOT TO KILL! Maybe the fact that the poor boy only has one leg will make it harder to sodomize him in prison.

All Your Money Are Belong To Bank

2008-09-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

It seems as though someone at WESH was too lazy to change the font size on their graphic so as to include an article or verb. Or maybe the question mark was just a typo and the statement is actually declarative since the article comes to the conclusion that your money is indeed safe at a bank. Was this article really necessary? Are there people who don't know about the FDIC? If there are such dumbasses, I think they deserve to lose their money.

Scientific Method Take Two

2008-08-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

WFTV is back in the lab! Their twelve day old pizza did not make much of a stink, but George Anthony, father of accused child neglecter Casey Anthony, said they did the experiment all wrong. Now they'll do it again using garbage bags and detergent. There will be one bag with pizza and open liquid detergent, one with pizza and closed liquid detergent, one with pizza and open powder detergent, and one with pizza and closed powder detergent. And because George told them to do it for 15 days (when it was 12 for Casey's pizza), they will give it the extra time. It seems at this point that WFTV is just having some fun with the situation. God bless them. And what kind of detergent are they using? The article didn't say, but here's my guess:

Republican Throwdown

2008-08-05T05:44:00.000-07:00

While the Democrats in the 8th Congressional District are trying to choose between the approximately 30 million candidates running, Republicans are deciding between once roly-poly incumbent Ric Keller and former alcoholic Todd Long. According to his site's bio, Mr. Long is a Christian and was the number one sophomore tennis player at George Washington University (two things i look for in a candidate), but apparently he left out the part about enjoying a drink every now and then. Have no fear, the Orlando Sentinel reports that Ric Keller is alerting voters with a most entertaining mailer that brings Long's alcohol problems to light. He was banned from the Mall at Millenia for being disorderly/drunk in 2006, he was found sleeping on a sidewalk near a school in Tallahassee in 2007, and he got a DUI in 1998. Long says Keller is just avoiding the issues. One of Long's beefs with Keller: he voted against the troop surge in Iraq. Keller also voted against mandatory troop rest periods and G.I. Bill expansions but I guess Long agreed with him there. The best part is that Keller has no reason to even run these ads since Long has no chance. Most people don't know who he is and his campaign account has $15,000 compared to Keller's $935,000. While reading through different comments about Long on the Sentinel's site I found one Keller supporter who pointed out that Long "is not conservative in the amount of alcohol he drinks." Priceless!

Bonus!!
Some of my favorite votes from Ric Keller:
Yea on Abortion Pain Bill
Nay on Alternative Energy Tax Incentives
Nay on Backup Paper Ballots
Nay on Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2007
Nay on Mandatory Troop Rest Periods Between Deployments to Iraq
Nay on Stem Cell Research
and most importantly...Yea on Recognition of the Importance of Christmas and Christianity (because it's so hard for Christians to get a fair shake in our society)

The Scientific Method: Orlando Stylee

2008-07-31T18:27:00.001-07:00

WFTV has decided to tackle science in a way that would make those gingers on Mythbusters envious. As you may remember Cindy Anthony, defending the daughter she turned in to the cops, stated that the smell in Casey's car that she originally attributed to a dead body was actually a rotting pizza. This raised some eyebrows at WFTV and they conducted an experiment on the matter. They left a pizza in a car in the sun for seven days. I like how they chose a Domino's Meatzza Feast Pizza. Perhaps they figured the abundance of pepperoni, ham, sausage, and beef would be a good substitute for the flesh of a two year old child. After seven days they noticed no smell in the car donated by Channel 9 editor Joel Davis, but they realize that the pizza in the Anthony's car was twelve days old so they promise to "revisit the pizza again in five days." Brilliant! I'd like to think the word of the detectives on the case and the sniffings of the cadaver dogs were enough to prove that the smell wasn't an old pizza, but after the recent story of the ineptitude of Orlando's finest in solving crimes I'm glad WFTV took it upon themselves to conduct this experiment.

Ignorance is Bliss

2008-07-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

Today is a very important day in the United States. The House Judiciary Committee heard Rep. Kucinich's arguments for impeaching the President. However, if you get your news from the websites of the local tv stations you wouldn't know it. There is no mention of it on the WESH homepage, even under politics. But it looks like the Britney Spears custody settlement is at the top of the page. How about WFTV? Nope! But there's the Britney Spears story again. Local 6 is sure to have it, right? Nah. They do have Britney, though. As for our local FOX affiliate? Nothing about Kucinich but apparently Stan Lee will make an appearance in the new X-Men movie. Even the Sentinel has nothing about it on their homepage, although they do have a story about Matthew Broderick cheating on Sarah Jessica Parker. I always hear about the liberal media and their leftist bias, but this should prove once and for all how that is most certainly bullshit. The bias is a financial one. The majority of Americans are idiots who care more about the lives of the rich and famous than the issues that actually affect their pathetic lives. Who needs CSPAN when you have TMZ? Since celebrity gossip is what gets viewers, that's what gets media attention. They have to go where the money is and it's not in a room full of a bunch of ugly old men talking bad about the man who keeps us safe from terrorists. Shame on you news channels for having no balls to spotlight something that matters and shame on you citizens for being too stupid to be angry about this. May Robert Novak run over each and every one of you. Fucking idiots.

Seriously?

2008-07-24T02:19:00.000-07:00

WESH has a brief article about Michelle Obama coming to town. Since the story is made up of four choppy sentences, I can only assume it was written by some staffer's first grader on summer break. The best part:

She then went spent time with members of the Adult Literacy League.

I so enjoy irony!

Someone at WESH Looks Out the Window

2008-07-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's just a slow news day, but this headline from the front page just doesn't seem necessary:
Clouds, Storms Likely Today

Orlando gets 50 inches of rain a year and most of it falls from June to September when it's raining every day during a period called "hurricane season." Honestly, it would be news if it didn't rain in July.

Let Sleeping (or dead) Dogs Lie

2008-07-23T04:51:00.001-07:00

WFTV has a story about a woman who's barking mad because the West Orange Times won't run an obituary on her dog. According to the article she wrote the letter while taking a week off for bereavement. A week? That dog must have had a red rocket made of gold and when he humped you, he'd jizz oil all over your leg. The paper says they have a human only obit policy. Seems logical. But what does Bailey's owner Kimberly DeWolf, who's threatening the paper with a lawsuit, think about the situation?

"They're discriminating against me because it's a dog in their eyes."

Actually Kimberly, it's a dog in everyone's eyes. Even the blind eyes of country music superstar Ronnie Milsap can see that.

See?

A Friend of the Devil is a Friend of Mine

2008-07-23T04:24:00.000-07:00

According to Local6, some hooligans went wild in Melbourne and vandalized a church, a library, and some cars and signs. Who could have done such a horrible thing? Let's look to the article:

"One thing for sure, it is of the devil," Macedona Baptist Church Rev. Nathaniel Harris said after seeing "666" spray-painted on his church.

First of all, how hard is it to spell the name of the church correctly when it is in the picture accompanying the article? And what kind of name is that for a Baptist church? I think Macedonia is a mostly Orthodox country. And really, the devil? I always thought of him as favoring red, not forest green. My advice? Look for the teens with a paper bag and green lips and leave the devil alone.

To Catch a Thief

2008-07-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's really hard. According to WFTV, Orlando Police have solved just 15% of crimes last year. There have been 27 murders this year. How many solved? 11 so far! But sleep well, kiddies, because the police have a plan. Police Chief Sonja White "has already prompted changes such as following up on cases more diligently." Well, it sounds to me like they've got this all figured out.

Economics 101

2008-07-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

If you've never watched the Cooper's Town segments on Local 6, you must take a look. Now! And don't just read it. You have to watch the video to get the full effect of his douchiness. Don't you just love people with a detached air of superiority? I know I do! Anywho, the "award winning investigative reporter" and "nice guy" (as his bio informs us) has figured out who to blame for the high price of gas:
"And a word about our friends at OPEC. I heard a Saudi oil minister chide the US for complaining about the price of gas – indicating that we should be lucky we don’t live in Europe where the price is much higher. I would like to ask that minister if he could tell me how much the Saudis are paying for gasoline – I think they’re still paying in cents per gallon not dollars."
Damn those asshole Saudis. Just because they have more oil than the rest of the world, they think they should be able to use it for cheap. And while we're on it, I think Venezuela only charges their citizens a few cents a gallon for gas, too. And they're evil communists! How would those self-righteous countries feel if they had to pay more for imports?

My Dad Wasn't Even Nominated :(

2008-07-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently this handsome fella was trying to set up a sexual encounter with a minor. Now, I know a lot of people will call for his resignation as World's Greatest Dad, but I think it's important for us all to remember that he wasn't trying to have sex with one of his own kids.

The Joker Did It!

2008-07-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

Maybe they should consider changing the headline with each picture. Although, if Batman is really on the case, then three cheers for WESH for breaking the story. WTF WFTV?